Bitter Sweet Nostalgia



Dearest,

 How many times have I thought about that night? I’ve counted, roughly five hundred and thirteen times. Five hundred and thirteen painfully sweet times. I remember your eyes burning with such intensity it scared me. How your skin tasted slightly sweet like vanilla bean ice cream and when you ran your fingers softly around the small of my back, I could feel my heart flutter. I remember your lips soft and full, pressing uncertainly against mine. I could taste your poison, feel it seep through my veins. How quickly I pulled away from you and how you pulled me back to steal one more kiss before this frozen moment became reality.

 I remember you fell asleep holding me, as if I would be carried off into the night if you loosened your arms from around my waist. I laid there quietly in the unforgiving darkness for what seemed like a eternity. Pondering, reminiscing until finally I carefully turned over to stare into your sleeping face. I studied it, trying to make a never aging picture in my mind. Your dark, almost black hair fell into your face, hiding it from my gaze. I gently brushed it back to study you more thoroughly. Your eyes flickered behind closed, rose petal eyelids. Dreaming of what I hoped to be me. Your chest lifted slightly, then fell back down as you slowed your breathing.

 We were never supposed to become anything, let alone fall in “love”. Everyone was sure to inform me of that. I knew you were bad for me, toxic for me. I could feel your effects tearing my every last shred of whatever was left of who I once was. That night, as I stared into your face, the face that I had loved for so long, I realized your face was no longer the same. It had grown twisted and hostile. I hated you for it, for what you had become and what you had done to me.

I could no longer stand to look into that twisted face any longer.

 That morning as the sun broke through the night sky, I broke through the power you held over me. Without saying a word I unclasped your hands from around my waist and crawled out of your bed. Grabbing my bag off the kitchen chair as I swiftly headed towards the front door, I placed my hand loosely on the cold brass knob. I Paused for a split second as my mind debated the situation. You were all.

 I knew for so long, and now I was abandoning you, just like you had abandoned me so many times before. I glanced around the room one last time before I stepped through the door into my new life. I shut the door to your house and my heart and walked away from our dream together.

 As I made my way to my car, I started to feel a horrible pain in my chest. My eyes began to fill with tears, that proceeded to run down my face. I collapsed to the ground, putting one hand in front of me to steady myself, as a sat there crying. I could feel the cold pavement rocks stabbing into the vulnerable part of my hand. I felt as if the ground had swallowed me up. For that moment I really wish it had. I slowly started picking up the little pieces of rock, throwing them at nothing and screaming till I felt whole again. I quickly wiped the tear marks from my face with the sleeve of my shirt and told myself “This had to be done and eventually I will no longer hurt.”

 Countless times you called me, pleaded for me to answer, but I shied away from your voice. You continuously told me that you loved me, but I stayed silent. I knew this to be true, but you had too much love for all those other girls as well. Maybe I destroyed this relationship from the beginning. I am destructive by nature. The first time we laid eyes on each other, I was the one who played games with your heart. Or maybe I knew what would become of us. What would become of me if I had stayed. I was a wild bird and you, you were my cage.

 Every thought was a thought of you. You poisoned my mind and controlled my moves. My body was in agony, I craved you like a drug, and just like a drug you'd leave me used up. Wasting away like coals in a fire, growing colder as my warmth was taken from me.

 You once were my light, but you burnt out. I will always have a hole in my heart for you. I say hole because you have singed my heart. Buried yourself there like a tick, leaving me with no choice whether you can stay or not. I feel “hole” is more suitable then “place”. You broke my heart; I learned my lesson. I need someone new to write about.

Unwantingly Forever.

Elizabeth D.